Master
by lilacbird
Summary: Carly is the most most beautiful, intelligent and talented being in the entire universe. Disagree? Pft. Of course you don't.


It was just another day for Carly: strutting down the school corridor like a catwalk model with a mile-long queue of boys behind desperate to win her beautiful heart. It had been the same ever since she started eighth grade, which was about three years ago.

Her best friend Sam walked beside her, glaring at anyone who dared even look at her. She was wearing a cute little denim skirt with a matching cute little denim jacket, under which she wore a colourful pink T-shirt. Around her neck hung a chunky silver necklace, and from her ears dangled heart-shaped earrings. Her boots were gorgeous, designer. "I'm a tomboy," she said.

"Hi everyone. I love Carly," Freddie greeted cheerfully. Carly snorted contemptuously in a somehow beautiful way that let everyone know that Freddie deserved to be looked down upon. Sam greeted him in her usual way – by punching him in the face repeatedly.

The audience roared with laughter.

Suddenly Nevel popped up in the background. "I'm an offensive stereotype!" he cried dramatically. "You shall rue the day!"

Behind him a large man donning a kilt and a pair of bagpipes patted his shoulder. "OCH AYE ME WEE LADDIE," he said, which translates roughly as 'don't worry, I am too'.

Then Carly and Sam shrieked hysterically until school ended.

"Oh-em-gee you guys, there's a concert playing two cities over next month I totally wanna go," said Carly. Then she stared directly at the camera.

Sam and Freddie smiled fondly at her.

"You should tell Spencer to buy you a ticket. You deserve it," Freddie said adoringly. Sam kicked him in the head, and this was extremely hilarious for some reason, and prompted several people to squeal and comment on how cute a couple the two would make.

The a woman with huge breasts and unshaven legs walked past them, and Carly voiced her disgust. "What sort of woman doesn't shave?" she scoffed, making it unquestionably obvious that the woman was committing an atrocious crime by not conforming to society's standards of female attractiveness. She folded her arms across her flat chest, which had absolutely nothing to do with her previous statement, and march onwards with her head held high. Her sheer specialness and superiority caused people on the street to fall to their knees and bow before her. The large-breasted woman immediately shaved her legs and God crowned Carly The Indisputable Beautiful Ruler of All That Matters, Which is Apparently Everyone's Opinion.

"I'm not sure I agree with that," Freddie said uncertainly, and was instantly mobbed by a mob. How dare he have an opinion different to theirs!

When Carly got home she put on her sweetest face and turned to her brother, gloriousness and purity radiating from her beautiful face of beauty. "Spencer, give me some money so I can go to a concert two cities over," she said. The audience supported her fully. She deserved that ticket!

"Sorry Carly, we don't have the money," Spencer said. "We already have a nice apartment full of modern amnesties despite me having apparently no source of steady income. How could I afford to take you to a concert?" Then he made a weird face, and everybody laughed.

"But that's not fair!" Carly whined.

"Yeah!" the audience agreed. "What a horrible brother; trying his best to make ends meet for his little sister after the disappearance of both their parents!"

But Carly was so determined, she wasn't going to give up on her well-deserved ticket. Kicking her way out of the window, ninja style, she turned twenty backflips before landing safely on her feet on the street below. Then she ran at super speed towards the bank, which she robbed of several thousand dollars, shooting three people and an innocent ceiling in the process.

Spencer ran after her. "Carly, no!" he shouted. "What do you think you're doing?"

"It's your fault for not giving me the money in the first place!" Carly screamed back, her long, luxurious hair billowing out behind her in a non-existent breeze.

"But you can't just rob a bank! What about the people who own the money you're taking? What about the clerks who have to sort out this whole mess? What about the three people you murdered?"

"Well, she really did deserve that ticket," one man piped up. He was quickly joined by nods and shouts of approval by all the people in the bank, even the dead ones.

"Lol, okay," Spencer said.

But it was too late. Sam appeared and beat Spencer within an inch of his life for daring to defy Carly, who was basking her right aura of rightness. Carly filmed the vicious attack and posted it on her super-special-awesome webshow, and everyone cheered and laughed and rejoiced at what a strong and independent girl Sam was.

"I'm not sure I agree with this," Freddie said, and Sam tied him down and set him on fire and cut off his arms and legs and ripped his heart out of his burning body so that everyone could see how black it was. Then she ate it and crucified Freddie's body somehow, even though he didn't have any arms and legs.

It was really funny.


End file.
